so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
