you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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