He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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