I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
