His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
