he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize