Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
