My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
