Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
