the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
