I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
