I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
