Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
