i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
