just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
