First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
