I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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