there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
