I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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