I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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