Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
