Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
