so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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