One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
