I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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