My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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