I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
