Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think I have vodka in my lungs
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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