I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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