everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
