Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
