I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
