Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
