I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
