I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
