I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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