I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
