I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
