your thong is hanging out like whoa
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...