my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush