you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say