Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
