She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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