i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
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No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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