Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
