I can text with my tongue
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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