This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
