Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
