I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
