My friends, they love my intelligence
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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