FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
