Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
