OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I believe in your delicious
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
