Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
