I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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