Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
